I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
