These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
