You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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