Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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