i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
