does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
