She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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