Will you blow on my dice?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They took my balls.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
there is puke in my bra ... again
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
