What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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