I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
