The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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