would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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