see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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