Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
