Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
