So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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