oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
