Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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