You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
