haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
