if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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