i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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