I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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