Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
