I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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