My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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