the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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