what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
