I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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