i think my mom watched the whole time
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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