I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
