I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
