Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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