the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
