Cold hands, warm shart.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
