If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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