Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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