He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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