I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
