How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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