I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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