she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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