He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
