Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
