I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
