i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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