Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
