just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
