An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My vagina just recognized that song.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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