I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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